Reflections

The past several years, pretty much since I left the classroom when M was born, I have been doing a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and a little bit of something else to "Frankenstein" myself a job. I have tutored, I have subbed, I have built and ran the Incarcerated Youth program at our local jail, and I have done what my boss has asked me to do, when he has asked me to do it.

This year, everything changed...my boss was new at the beginning of last year so spent it learning the ropes of the job, then last Spring decided that he wanted to utilize my skills in a different manner this year. SO - I started back up in the IEP business! I have been case managing several students who are considered "outside placements" because they attend schools outside the physical boundaries of our district, but are still students of our district. I work students in 2 charter schools, 1 private school, and 1 public school within our county. The level of service needed at each of these sites varies greatly. I attend annual meetings only at one site, I actually go in and provide daily service at another, and a little of everything in between.

Making the change over to this level has been very difficult for many reasons. I have had almost full control of my schedule for years, able to take time to drive kids to swimming or take a day off here and there to hang out with the kiddo. This year, not so much. Because I provide DAILY services, I have to be at these sites DAILY. I know that this is something that almost all of the work force does on a regular basis, but it's just hard to get back into that mode after almost 9 years of full flexibility. BUT, I did OK.

In addition, many of the students with whom I work are placed, by parents, in these outside placements because the parents are unhappy with the school district. In I walk, a smiling face representing said hated school district. I have had some success stories, and some not so successful stories this year. There are just some people in this world who are not going to be happy no matter what - and I get to teach all of their children!

All in all, this has been a VERY TOUGH year for me, but I have really enjoyed being back in the loop in so many ways. I have had colleagues whom I see daily. I have been to trainings on stuff I love to do. I have made acquaintances and connections that I will carry with me beyond this year. AND, of course, I have gotten to keep working with kids whom I adore.

Well, this week I was informed that not only was my 1 year contract running out next month (I knew this), but that my position as it currently stands is most likely being eliminated thanks to budget cuts. I wasn't that shocked, but I was hoping for an assurance of "we'll find a way to use you next year", which I didn't get. No hard feelings, I know that my boss' hands are tied by the superintendant, who's hands are tied by the budget. AND, I totally understand their position...it doesn't make sense to continue contracting out with me at my Masters +45 credits w/10 years experience on the pay scale when they can get someone falling a little lower on the payscale.

Did I get hit hard by this, though? Hell yeah! I'm not going to lie, there were tears...a lot of them, I'm somewhat ashamed to say. Perhaps this had something to do with me having just gotten out of a meeting the night before that didn't go great and I was still feeling defeated by that (see above about parents who aren't happy no matter what), or perhaps it would have hit me hard no matter what, but it did.

Then I started thinking...this could be a good thing for me. My options are wide open for next school year. AND, I'm proud to say that in the past 2 days I've already gotten several leads on opportunities for next year. I've made some real great connections with the schools where I've worked this year and I think that all will be OK in the long run.

Now, I just need to convince D of this...he sees it from the family budget point of view - don't blame him, numbers and dollar signs are kind of his job. BUT, I'll keep trying to tell him that it will all work out in the long run. I have a plan and a back-up plan to fill in the $$$ gaps when I don't hit my monthly requirement to keep the family running smoothly.

I'm definately trying to make lemonade out of these lemons, and looking at it with a positive attitude. The way I figure, feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help, nor is worrying myself sick over it. All that will do is put added stress on my family, which I would never want to do.

SO - I'm in the process of winding down this school year, getting ready to turn in all of my district supplies (laptop, portable printer, test kits, files, etc.) and then I get to figure out what to do with my amazingly clean desk! I have a few ideas - I can make it my card making station (did I mention I have gotten into card making recently?) - I can...well, I haven't thought of that many ideas, I guess!

BUT - it's all good...M has been feeling the sting of my working so much in many ways - lack of time with her, bad moods after rough days, etc. Sure, I know that many kids live very successful lives when their parents work full-time - much more than I was working - BUT M has never known anything other than me being there for her whenever she needed me. This has taken it's toll on her as well this year. I haven't told her about any of this yet - we decided to hold off until her school year is up so it doesn't distract her (she inherited a bit of her father's worry gene).

SO - I look to the past year with no regrets, fond memories, and some stinging pain, but I look to the future with an open mind, optimism, hope, and genuine excitement to find all that it has to offer for me. Whatever the end result, I just know it will be good.